The Mommy Wars Arrive on my Home Turff

If you're not familiar with the term "mommy wars", in a nutshell, its basically where mom's (and sometimes women with no children) will attack another mom for her parenting choices, usually done via blogs, social networking sites, things like that. I find this different from simply offering friendly advice, which the mom should be able to consider and either use, or disregard, to being a "my way or the highway" approach.

I've seen this on many of the blogs I read. I remember one woman posted a picture of her 2 kids playing, one a toddler and one about a year old. They were both just in diapers, which is a common thing around our house, so I didn't think anything of it, other than it was a cute picture of some cute kids. But as I skimmed the comments, there were several people who complained that it was degrading to the children, that it was inappropriate, that her children would hate their mother in the future because she had posted that photo on the internet. 

This really shocked me, and annoyed me. I mean, I'm the mom who let her daughter swim naked in a river in Zions National Park once. My daughter spends half her day in just a diaper. Were there people out there that really had a beef with this woman? 

Then last week, another blogger I follow posted a photo on instagram of one of her children on a bike, and the kid didn't have a helmet on. The bike was stationary, and the dad was clipping the baby into the carrier on the bike, so it may have been moments before a helmet was even placed on her head. But people began attacking her left and right for being careless and how a good mom would have been concerned about her daughter's safety. I felt so bad knowing that the woman would have to read through over 100 comments, the majority of which were attacking her.

Now, I've had my share of a few concerned moms (and non-moms) let me know what I'm doing wrong as a parent. Usually, it's while I'm at the store or something ("you know you're daughter isn't wearing shoes right?") and I've had a few people send me e-mails or texts to notify me of my short comings. Heck, I've even had anonymous messages left for me from people in my own ward complaining about the way I taught their kids in nursery before. 

Usually, I get a little mad, a little defensive, but I can come out of it with no emotional scrapes or bruises.

But these last couple of weeks have been rough. Like, really, really rough. I have had several people privately message me on facebook, berating me on everything from what I let Savannah eat: "I saw that you posted today that you let Savannah eat a cookie. Do you KNOW how bad sugar is for kids?! She is at high risk for becoming obese if you let her eat junk at such a young age!" 

To my decision to have a doctor-assisted hospital birth: "Doctors are crooks! You are not in their best interest. Plus your doctor is MALE which is perverted and gross! You should really do an at-home birth with a midwife, it's much safer..."

And then all hell broke loose Monday night.

I had the option to be induced this past Monday. I declined, because I wanted to give this baby until his due date to arrive at the very least. But I began feeling so drained. My body hurts. My ENTIRE body hurts. I can't take care of Savannah as well as I should be able to because I can't do anything. Just walking down the stairs to do laundry is torture. Poor Savannah hasn't been to the park in weeks because I'm just too exhausted and sore to chase her around. I can barely sit on the front porch and blow bubbles with her. It's not fair to her at all.  So I did a LOT of research, I talked to lots of people, I discussed it with my doctor, and came to the conclusion that I want to be induced this coming Monday, 2 days after his due date. I posted on Facebook how I was excited because that meant I would only have to be pregnant for one more week at the most. 

Initially, I got a lot of support on this. People e-mailed or texted me to tell me what good experiences they had being induced, how they were excited for me, things like that.

But the next morning, my in-box began flooding with people who were going to tell me exactly why I was being a terrible person for wanting to be induced. "It's unnatural" "you're forcing your body to do something it doesn't want to do" "your labor will take too long".

Thankfully, these people at least had the decency to attack me privately, rather than right on my facebook post for all to see, because it was kind of humiliating. I was really shocked. Most of these people weren't even people I knew that well. They were people who had friended me on facebook, who had known me vaguely in high school or something like that. And suddenly, I felt defeated. I tried to defend myself. I tried to let them know that I was not selfishly doing this. I was doing this for my well being, but also for my daughter, who needs me just as much as this baby does. But I got the same response from ALL of them: "I'm just giving you options, you obviously haven't thought this through..."

WHAAAA?

Do these people really think that I'd make such a big decision without researching ALL the facts first? I don't even go to a movie without finding out everything I can about it first. I just spent the last 3 days coveting a 12 dollar shirt online and trying to decide if it was something I really wanted to buy. 3 DAYS PEOPLE! (I ended up buying it, and it's super cute, just FYI...) so I definitely wasn't going to be induced without feeling well informed about it.

But I just couldn't convince these people that I was doing what I felt was best for me, my husband, and my kids. All day yesterday, I felt sad, and like I really was a terrible mom. I was second guessing myself. I was trying to decide if I should cancel my induction, just so that people would stop being so mean. I decided that I needed to go for a walk. Every evening, Bryant, Savannah and I all go for a walk as far as my body can handle. But I decided to go out on my own last night. I just wanted to put on my headphones and listen to "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me". So I did. I didn't think about all the mean messages I had received. I just thought about how pretty the mountains were with low-hanging clouds surrounding them.

On the last street of my walk, it began to downpour. I had brought an umbrella, and I didn't mind it at all. But Bryant had been worried about me and had come to find me. He ran all the way up the street and accompanied me back down. When I got home, I told him I felt better, and he hugged me and told me that he felt I was making a good decision, and that whatever I chose to do, he would support me. Soon after, I had a few contractions, and I began to get excited. So I cleaned up the living room, put together the car seat, and did the dishes... just in case...

But unfortunately, they stopped altogether as soon as I went to bed. 

I woke up this morning at 4am. I was so frustrated. I had hoped that I would go into labor during the night. I wanted more than anything to be able to tell people I didn't have to be induced. Then they wouldn't think I was such a bad person. I couldn't go back to sleep so I got out of bed and in the shower bright and early. Just as Bryant was about to leave for work, he asked if I was ok, and out of nowhere I began crying. I had a total meltdown. I told him I was frustrated, that I was tired, that my body hurts, that I felt attacked and hated by people who only really know me through facebook. 

I asked for a blessing.

I asked him to bless me with comfort and patience and peace.

So he did, and it was beautiful.

I felt better. I felt calmer. Later, my visiting teacher came to visit. She is such an awesome person. She gave me a lesson that I really needed to hear, and we sat and chatted for a very long time. I told her about all the mean things people said to me, and she felt for me, and gave me encouragement. 

I still feel good about my decision. About all my parenting decisions. Yes, I'm a little scared. I don't want to be induced, I would rather have him come on his own this weekend. Or today, today would be nice. But if he isn't here by Sunday night, then I am ok and at peace with being induced. My mom was induced with all of her kids, and we all came just fine and dandy. I trust my doctors. I trust my instinct. And I trust that after lots of prayer and pleading, that this is the right thing to do. 

But I'd still really really like him to come today... you know, if he wants to.

And to all those mom's and non-moms who feel that their opinion is the only one that matters:

(Sorry, I just had to throw Uchtdorf in there. It was too perfect to pass up...)