Happiness is a choice

It's so weird how the universe gives you little hints and nudges, just when you need them most.

Last night I was being a HUGE complainer. I was studying for a political science test and I was getting upset with the fact that I had to change my major from history to political science. I changed my major, mostly because I am tired of going to school, and if I continued with history, I still had at the very least, another year and a half to two years, if I went full time, year round (summers included) and if I changed it, I roughly only have 9 classes left. 

I felt sad that I wasn't studying history. I was angry at UVU for giving me the run-around all these years. I was starting to feel depressed and I just kept thinking "If I were just done with school, I would be happy with my life."

Then, in my bad mood, I was trying to do laundry and Bryant had to squeeze by me to get to the bathroom, and I started lamenting about how small our apartment is, how I was still living in my parents home, and how I felt like we were never going to live anywhere bigger than an apartment. "If I could just live in a house, or even a condo or townhouse" I thought, "I would be happy with my life".

Then Bryant and I were discussing the loan we had to get to help pay for school, and somehow it turned into a discussion about my job, and I began complaining about how little I make. "If I just had a career, I would be happy with my life..."

Later on, I was playing with Savy and I was day-dreaming about her having a younger brother or sister. I've always said I wanted to wait at least 2-3 years to have another baby, but at that moment, I wanted another one on the way right now, but I knew, logically, we couldn't financially handle another baby right now. Once again, I thought "If I could provide for more children, I would pop them all out right now, and then, then I would be happy with my life."

And as  Bryant and I were going over our schedules for today, I realized that I would be home alone from 9am until 11pm, and lately, I haven't had many friends want to hang out or go to lunch. I've been feeling very, very lonely around here. Bryant has told me over and over again that there is a difference between "alone" and "lonely". "Just go out and do something by yourself, for yourself" he'd tell me. "Go for a walk, go for a drive, go get lunch with Savy, go for a hike" But I just kept thinking "If I just had some decent, dependable friends. I would be happy with my life"

I got very down on myself late last night. I couldn't sleep and I was grumpy and exhausted. Bryant could tell, and he asked me what he could do to make me happy. I said "Just get me a diploma, a house, a career, more children, and a friend all by tomorrow and my life would be better!" 

Needless to say, I was being a stinker.

He just gently said "is there nothing in your life right now that makes you happy?" He reminded me that happiness is a choice. He reminded me that he used to live in Brazil, where families are packed into one bedroom apartments, stacked on top of each other, and yet they were some of the happiest people he had ever known.

At the time, I thought he was just trying to make me feel bad, make me realize how ungrateful I was being. but this morning as I got out of bed and grabbed a very confused baby girl out of her crib (she had rolled from back to tummy and it scared her, plus, she's not used to waking up in her own room, alone) and she gave me a sleepy smile and touched my face as if to say "good morning mommy, I love you" I realized that he was trying to tell me that my happiness shouldn't depend on the things I have, but rather, my choice to be grateful for the people I have in my life. 

As Savannah took her first nap, I was catching up on my blog reading and Rachael, a friend of mine, wrote this post over at talk2thetrees. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I sat and contemplated what she had written, and I couldn't help but remember a scene from one of my favorite books (and movies) Fight Club when Edward Norton's characters apartment blows up, and he's having a drink with Tyler Durden and he says something like "It's just, when you buy furniture you tell yourself thats it, thats the last sofa I'm gonna need. Whatever else happens, at least I've got that sofa problem fixed, and I can be happy. I had it all, I had a stereo that was very decent, I had a wardrobe that was getting very respectable. I was close to being complete."

And Tyler simply says "The things you own, end up owning you."

And then I was going through my pins on Pinterest, and I saw one I had pinned a week or so ago, and I re-watched it. It made me realize again that "Alone" doesnt have to mean "Lonely".

Now in retrospect, I am one of the most blessed people. I have a husband who works hard, who takes care of me, who loves me uncondtionally. I have a daughter who is beautiful, healthy and smart. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my pantry, I have clothes on my back, I have an education. So what if I don't have what I want?  I have everything I need. 

 

And I am grateful, and I am happy.