That time I cried in the mother's room.

Today was a really hard day. 

I'm not exactly sure why, or what set it off. It just was one of "those days." I woke up this morning  feeling fine. I've been having these really crazy, but fun dreams the last few nights, and last night I dreamt that my parents reveled that they had A beautiful apartment they had lived in when I was born, and had continued to own it, even though none of us children knew about it, and my parents decided to give it to Bryant and I. 

I woke up hearing my little girl yelling for me, and even though I was a little sad that I had to leave that beautiful apartment with the amazing view, I was excited to give my baby hugs and kisses good morning. 

Bryant had stayed up late reading (I know because when I had to get up to stretch my legs at 1:30am, he was still reading...) So I let him sleep in. I changed Savannah's diaper, got her some peaches for breakfast, (even though she ate ALL my blueberries from MY plate) and then I hopped in the shower, got ready for church, then got her in the tub and ready.

For some reason, this is where I started to get cranky. I'm not sure why. Well, I can take a guess that It was just stupid pregnancy hormones... but I wasn't happy anymore. I suddenly felt stressed and upset. 

Anyways, Bryant then hopped in the shower, and we were all ready to go to church a couple of hours early (for once!) 

By the time we made it to church, I was suffering from a headache. Then I was angry because, once again, we chose to sit in the back on the hard chairs, which hurt my hips and my back really badly. I had been worried all morning because church begins at a new time for us now, and it's right when Savy's nap time is. The first half of Sacrament meeting, she did really well. She laid in Bryant's arms, then requested me. A few times I thought she had fallen asleep, but she hadn't. 

I was still feeling kind of ornery and mad. I decided that I needed to put those feelings aside, and just enjoy listening to people bearing their testimonies. The first few were wonderful. But as more and more people got up to speak, I began my old habit of comparing myself to everyone. While everyone talked about how wonderful their lives were, how great and well behaved their children were, how blessed they were because they live the gospel so perfectly, suddenly the thought "there's nothing like testimony meeting to make you feel so inadequate" crossed my mind. I don't even know where that came from! It just sprung up in my thoughts. I didn't mean it, of course, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't feeling pretty low. "But, my child can be so wild and crazy... but, I'm trying so hard to live the gospel but I never feel like I will be as good as sister-so-and-so..." I kept thinking to myself.

It was horrible.

I was choking back tears because I was angry with myself for not being someone who could get up there and say the same things those people were saying. I was placing these people on a pedestal, instead of just letting the spirit of peace and true testimony fill me up.

Then, something set Savannah off...

The little girl sitting a couple of chairs next to us, decided to sit sideways on her chair, putting her feet on the chair next to Savannah. For some mysterious reason, forever unknown to me, Savannah began to point her finger in the girls face and yell "NO! NO! NO!" and then tried to shove the girls feet off the chair. When I went to stop her, Savannah collapsed in my lap and sobbed hysterically.

I rushed her out into the hall, where she continued to sob uncontrollably. Of course the doors to the cultural hall were wide open, and I saw that half the population of the room was staring at us through the wide double doors. I bolted to the lobby. There were a group of women all standing in front of the mothers room. I was praying no one was in there and this wasn't the line to use it. Thankfully, the door was unlocked and the room was empty. 

I ran in, shut off the lights and tried to get Savannah to calm down, but she refused. Instead, she laid face down on the floor and cried even louder and harder. I KNEW everyone in that lobby, and possibly everyone trying to enjoy a peaceful fast and testimony meeting, could hear her.

This was my breaking point. I think on any other day, I could have handled this situation a whole lot better. But not today. I slumped in the nasty, stained and uncomfortable rocking chair and joined Savannah in her hysterical cries. 

After about 10  minutes, she finally stood up, and realized that the room had a sink in it. I allowed her to wash her hands multiple times (one of her favorite things to do) and then bribed her with candy that I told her was in my bag, still in the other room. She seemed happy enough.

However, as pregnancy nature calls, I had to run to the bathroom. 

When I stepped out of the room, we saw Bryant, who had come to wait for us in the hall. I handed Savy to him and told him I'd be right back. As soon as I began walking away, Savannah had yet another meltdown. This was when the other ward was just letting out for the day, and everyone was clustering in the halls and the lobby, once again, all staring at my crying toddler, and my puffy, red eyes.

Once I came back, we rushed off to go teach our class. Only to find that we had no class to teach. Most of our kids have gone on to primary, and the remaining ones were re-combined into the younger nursery. We were told we weren't being released, but that we could go sit in the back of primary sharing time instead (uh, yeah right, I'm not sitting in the back of primary if I'm not needed). I told the nursery leader that I'd rather go to class, and she said "well, I guess whatever you feel is best..." in a disapproving manner. She then said that we would have another class by the middle of the year. I told her I don't want to teach nursery by then, because I will have a newborn, and won't even be able to attend church for several weeks. She replied "well, we will just keep you listed as teachers, and we can discuss this again when it gets closer."

Once again, I was on the verge of tears. How many times do I have to tell them that I'm NOT bringing a newborn to a classroom full of children, where it's guaranteed that at least 2 of them are sick? "Alright, we will talk about it then" I said with a lump in my throat.

We then were debating if we should just go home, but Savannah ran into the nursery just as fast as her little legs could take her. We decided that as long as she was happy, to let her have some time with other kids. We then went to class, where of course, the only 2 chairs left were the hard ones that hurt my back, and they were shoved in the alcove where the window was.

I sat back there barely listening to the lesson. Instead, I was listening to the 3 women in the back gossip about so-and-so, and repeatedly complain that they couldn't hear the teacher (funny, I could hear her just fine. If they were hard of hearing, wouldn't they just move closer to the front?)

I took a few minutes to mull the day over. I was so upset and angry. I wasn't able to enjoy sacrament because my child was way over due for a nap, I felt like those in positions over me were not listening to me when I needed them too, and now I was angry that these women would rather spend the 3 hours of church saying really awful things about their neighbors, instead of learning about how to be a better one.

I was discouraged. I was done. 

When class let out, I asked Bryant if we could just go home.

I was so tired and emotionally worn out. 

On our way to pick Savannah up from class, Bryant pulled me into an empty room, closed the door and hugged me tight. I just cried and cried into his shoulder. 

After I couldn't cry anymore, I walked to the window and opened it. Letting the cold air wash over and freshen my face.

I felt a little better.

Once I cleaned myself up, we went to get Savannah. As soon as she saw us, she hurled the toy teapot she had in her hand at her teacher, reached up to me and asked for her "Baba" (bottle). 

It was definitely nap time. For her, and for me.

I came home, put her to bed, ate a sandwich, and then I went to bed.

By then, I felt so much better.

I don't know why I wrote about this. Maybe because I thought it would make me feel better to get my emotions out, but to be honest, I'm holding back tears once again. But I do feel much better.

Then again, maybe I wrote about this because I try really hard to make this blog positive, but sometimes, life just throws you one of "those days". And maybe someday, when I'm having another really bad day, I can look back at this and see how silly it was for me to have a really bad day for no reason, other than possibly some silly old pregnancy hormones. 

Next Sunday is going to be so much better, because I'm going to make sure Savannah gets an early nap, and I'll be sure to pack myself some snacks, just in case I get grouchy from hunger, and because I'm going to sit in the nice chairs for once!