On Becoming an "Adult"

This week, I finally bought that minivan.

You know, that minivan that everyone swears they will never buy, but then you pop out a couple of kids, and then you're tired of hitting your head while trying to cram 2 kids with car seats in that car that's so small it feels silly that you even have it at all. So the next thing you know, you're sitting at the dealer, signing a million papers and then you walk out and go "Oh, I have a minivan?" And as you drive home, you feel the last, tiny shred of your carefree 20's silently slip out the window.

Bryant and I sat there at the car salesman's desk alone while he had gone off to grab us some water (goodness knows we needed it!) and we were trying to decide if we wanted to trade in my car, or try and sell it privately. I began to think about my car. It was my first major "adult" purchase of my life. I was heading off to college, so my parents and I went to a lot, test drove a lot of cars, and within a couple of hours, I had bought myself a mode of transportation. Even though my parents co-signed, it was mine. Mine. I suddenly had something I was responsible for. But it was also a means of freedom. I could go anywhere I wanted, without having to worry about borrowing my parents car. I remember driving home and thinking "I feel so grown up. Adults buy cars, and I just bought a car."

But the truth is, I didn't really feel like and adult.

Then I moved out, and got an apartment. I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment that was old and falling apart, with 5 others girls that I didn't know. I was working at a clothing store from 3am-12:30, then going to school in the afternoons. I was terribly broke and at one point I quit my job at the clothing store because I hated it, and so I was desperately broke while looking for another job and I pulled out a loan to help me pay the rent, get food, and to even help with my car payments (a loan to pay a loan? Yup.)

But I loved it. I LOVED every minute of the young, single girl struggling to make ends meet life. Partly, because I felt like "Ok, now I feel like an adult. Adults live on their own, in apartments. They work and go to school and make friends and go to parties and stay up all night. They cook all their own food and do all their own laundry, and pay bills and stuff. I can do whatever I want, I make all my own decisions, I have all this freedom! I am an adult!"

Even though I told myself that, I knew it wasn't true. I didn't really feel like an adult. Deep down, I knew I was young and just out having the time of my life. That this wasn't what "the real world" was like.

Then I got married. And I thought "Yes! I am an adult! Adults get married, and they live in tiny 1 bedroom apartments and they combine bank accounts and they have jobs and they come home and cook meals together and they pick out furniture together and go on vacations and wow, I really feel like and adult!"

But really, I didn't feel like an adult. I knew I was just having fun and playing house.

Then I had my first baby, and as I sat in that hospital bed, holding her, Bryant said "wow, we are adults now!" Because that's what adults do. They have babies and change diapers and they go to playdates and read bedtime stories together.

Last year, we got our first credit cards, and we got a costco card, and I thought "Wow, now I'm an adult. Because adults buy toilet paper in bulk and they put Christmas presents and vacations on credit." But really, I didn't feel like an adult yet.

And then we moved into the upstairs of my parent's old house and we had a 2nd baby. And I thought "This is what adults do. They have more kids, and they move into a 3 bedroom house, and they potty train their toddlers and they go without sleep and they never seem to get on top of housework and suddenly they find themselves wanting (needing) a minivan."

So that's what we did. And as we sat there and waited for them to finish detailing the van we were about to take home, I said to Bryant "Honey, we are adults now" And he said "No we're not, we're kids raising kids."

And that's when I realized that although I'm 26, and have come a loooong way from buying that first car years ago. I always thought the transition from childhood to adulthood happened right at 18 years old. But it's not true. That transition takes most of your 20's, possibly your 30's (I'll let you know when I get there...) and I dare say I will always be in a gradual state of transition my whole life. I don't know when, or even if, I will ever really "feel" like an adult. I don't know when that switch will flip and I'll go "Ok, now I made it. I'm officially an adult". But for now, I'm just really enjoying whatever stage of life this happens to be right now.

Everything is just so completely bonkers and I love it.