Today was a rough day. I woke up early and in a great mood. As I laid in bed with my sleeping husband next to me, and my quietly snoring baby in the next room, I thought of all the things we could do as a little family before Bryant had to go to work. I pictured us going out to breakfast at the Awful Waffle and eating crepes out in the fresh air and sunshine.
But then the day took a turn for the worst. I had a baby who just wanted to get into EVERYTHING. Drawers, boxes, laundry, diapers, pantry... Everything. She also decided that she was going to have a full on, laying face down on the floor, kicking and flailing, screaming and punching meltdown whenever I took something away, or told her for the millionth time not to get into the trash can.
Needless to say, I was no longer in the mood to go out to breakfast. Besides, by the time I finally got myself showered, dressed and baby dressed and fed, it was well after lunch time. I was already feeling overwhelmed, and then as Bryant was getting ready for work, I suddenly felt angry. He had switched shifts with a co-worker and I was angry that we weren't going to have Saturday night together. My shifts at work had been cut completely for a week and a half and so Bryant has been taking on extra shifts at his job. Loneliness has been creeping back into my life for the last few weeks and after calling/texting/facebooking nearly every single friend I thought I had to hang out, or go to lunch, or just talk, without a single reply, along with Bryant being gone a lot more, I felt lonely. And with a very active toddler who makes messes faster than I can clean them up, an apartment that feels claustrophobic, and a few stressors that have recently come into our lives, I felt overwhelmed.
All this together lead to a melt down of my own this afternoon.
Bryant sat me down and patiently listened to me as I dumped all of my feeling on top of him. About how I felt that my friends have abandoned me when I need them most, how I felt inadequate as a mother and a wife. About how I missed him, even though I know he is just trying to provide for us.
He was so good to me and comforted me enough that I was able to function again after some reassuring words and hugs. He left for work, Savannah went down for a nap, and I took a breather and read for a while. I was still feeling down, but I was feeling like I was manageable. I just kept reapeating "I'm alright, Ill be fine" to myself.
Then came the Walgreens trip.
I needed to make a quick trip to Walgreens and then to Blockbuster to return a movie and a game. I asked my sister Sage if she wanted to come, so her, Savannah and I loaded into the car and drove to the nearest wallgreens. As soon as we walked in, Savy decided that she wanted "down" but I didn't want to set her down because I didn't put her shoes on, and I knew she would take off. So she started throwing a fit of epic proportions. The kind where she was pulling my hair with one hand, while pushing my face with the other and screaming, and I mean scrrreeeaaammmiinng.
So as I'm trying to keep her from ripping my hair out, while trying to hang onto her, the couple next to me starts getting frustrated because they are trying to shop around me and this tiny pink ball of fury I'm trying to hold.
When I suddenly hear the girl lean over to the guy and say "just go stand really close to her, eventually she will just move and get out of our way. Shes not really shopping anyways."
Ugh.
So I walked away and went to find my sister, who was browsing in a different section. After telling her to hurry because Savannah was getting out of control and we needed to leave ASAP, my sister said she wanted an item but didn't have enough money and asked if I could spot her some. So up to the counter we went. I paid for my items, all while Savannah was screaming over the fact that I wouldn't let her have the stuffed teddy bear holding an " I love you mom" heart that was perched on the counter. Next, it was Sage's turn.
"Twnety dollars" the cashier stated.
"Wait." I said. "the sign said it was $6.99... "
.
No, it's 11, plus the other items..." she replied, all while looking at the growing line of customers behind me, then giving me a look that said "just pay up and don't argue..." so I told sage to pay what money she had first and I would pay the rest on my card.
All of a sudden, Sage pulls out a giant mound of quarters, nickels and dimes. "Why is it all in coins!?!? I said in terror.
"The family I babysit for pays me in coins...."
Ugh.
So I'm sitting here, counting out change, hanging onto a baby who is practically laying on the floor sobbing, with an annoyed cashier who is calling for backup every 5 seconds when, from behind me, I hear in a not-so-quiet whisper:
"How hard is it for a mother to just throw a pair of shoes on her kid for heaven's sake?"
I. Was. Done.
Suddenly, I started to cry too. "you know what, just put it all on my card!" I yelled, swiped my debit and high-tailed it out of there.
Next came the migraine-inducing wails. I strapped Savannah in her car seat and the 3 of us headed to return the movies at blockbuster. Savannah screamed the whole way there and the whole way home. The whole drive I was fighting back tears, but Sage knew I wasn't ok and spent the whole ride trying to sooth and calm Savannah.
I found myself saying a silent, but desperate prayer in my heart. Why was I not worthy of my friends time anymore?
Why were we still stuck in this financial situation where we are still living in my parents basement apartment , even though we are trying and working so hard? Why couldn't the people in Walgreens just understand that It was past Savannah's nap time and she chewed a hole in her flip flop and that's why she was barefoot? Why did they have to be so mean when obviously I was struggling? And who decided to pay a babysitter in all coins?!?!
We made it home.
Sage hopped out of the car and ran into the house, I wiped my tears and unbuckled Savannah, who decided to go from wailing to saying "Mama... Baba.... Mama... Baba" (baba means bottle) and when I picked her up to carry her inside, she cried into my shoulder.
We walked into our tiny apartment and I took her out of her tear-soaked romper, cleaned up her runny nose, and got her into her pajamas. Just as the weight of everything was about to threaten me with more tears, Savannah walked over to me while I was sitting on her bedroom floor, and crawled into my lap. She then looked up at me and moved my head so that I was looking at her (she does this whenever she wants my attention) and gave me a hug. Then she got up and ran off.
I smiled, feeling a little better. I got her a "baba" and laid her down with some sesame street playing to help her drift off to sleep, while I slipped into the kitchen and turned off the lights and sat on the couch. I picked up my phone and noticed I had a voicemail. It was from one of my best friends from high school that I only see a couple times a year, calling to check in and say Hi. I immediately called them back and had a good chat for about a half hour.
When I hung up, I noticed I had a text from Bryant:
"I will always be in love with you".
These three little gestures helped me realize that I AM worth it. People DO care about me. I may not have the support of many of my friends anymore, but the ones that matter most will always be there for me. And even if I find myself without my old friends completely, I'm married for eternity to my best friend, who is so, so patient and understanding. And then I have my daughter, who even though some days I feel overwhelmed and inadequate as a mother, loves me with the purest love in the entire universe. She just wants my love, my attention and I love giving it to her more than anything else. Being a mother is exactly why I am here on this earth. Being Savannah's mother is the greatest gift and blessing I have ever been given, and I will try my very hardest to be the best mother to her I can be.
Just know that sometimes, she destroys her shoes so I have to let her go barefoot in drugstores...
